In just a couple weeks, it will be 1 year since I gave birth to my squishy, chubby, red-headed little boyfriend. Reflecting on the ups and downs is only necessary at this time; being a new parent created a dynamic change with my spouse, the responsibility of raising a human life, the list could go on and on. I am only a mother to 1 child, so far; with that being said, my thoughts may be incorrect when it comes to the title of this post. I lack experience, but I feel that my knowledge of motherhood has increased (& will continue) quite a bit this last year.
When I first became a mother, I was faced with horrible PostPartum Depression. Crazy hormones are a real thing after child birth. I was a bitch to everyone. (Sorry for the language, but I'm being honest.) My SO and I were also going through a difficult time in our marriage. I loved this newborn baby, but I started falling into a trap of thinking that motherhood was not for me. It was very boring trying to talk to a newborn whose only response was screaming at the top of his lungs, spitting up, or crying when I laid him to sleep in the crib. There was only so much "ooing and awing" I could do.
It was hard. The sleep deprivation was killing me. The stress of responsibility seemed unbearable. I was struggling. As a recent college graduate, I had a constant question in my mind of why I gave up a career and my four years of college to be a mom.
People would ask me, "What do you do for a living?"
My response was, "I'm just a mom."
I was always hesitant to blurt that out. I was embarrassed about my new title, I'm just a mom. I wasn't making phone calls to big shot companies, setting up important meetings, working on advertising campaigns, or talking to other adults using real words instead of made up baby lingo. My life took a drastic change. It now consisted of: wiping spit up off my shirt, getting peed on, people would come over to see "me" but they really just wanted to hold the little man. I shed lots of tears. I probably cried a lake. I was a mess.
Somehow God knew I needed an intervention. And He sent me a phrase that I heard from multiple people in their experience with motherhood. I've had to grow to love to be a mom. OMG. A light bulb went on. I chose to have this baby, so it is only obvious I need to choose to love to be a mom. So, that is exactly what I did. I decided to find joy in changing poopy diapers, to be okay with the spit up on my shoulder, to do a big outing once a week with my little boy, to smile and be patient while he is crying instead of passing him to my husband while I started crying.
This was great for awhile. But then I started feeling like I lost myself. I was so focused on my baby and my family, that a couple months ago, I felt like I didn't know who I was. I was finding joy in motherhood, and things were going much better, but who am I? Am I just going to raise children my whole life and not do anything to raise myself? I started working on a balance. I was working out again, going to the every so often lunches/dinners with girlfriends. I found a great "in between", but I still wasn't finding myself. I began to feel alone and afraid.
Again, God places people in your life and with these people are conversations. I have had numerous mothers tell me that their children's needs are more important than their own. BOOM. I was being selfish. I am not saying that you shouldn't do anything for yourself, but in the grand scheme of things, the needs of my little boyfriend come before my own. I have learned to accept the word sacrifice and its complete meaning. The real definition of sacrifice is being the best parent you can to your children.
I have sacrificed my hair not getting highlighted as often as I would like. I sacrificed looking at friends in the workforce and being jealous because I didn't pursue a career. (I could work if I choose to and props to the moms that do, how amazing!) I sacrifice my sleep at night to rock a fussy, teething baby. I sacrifice my shirts to the stains of boogies. I sacrifice the shows I like to watch so we can watch Daniel Tiger on PBS Kids. Quite often, my husband and I sacrifice our Friday Date Nights to save money to the little guys future college tuition fund.
I'm sure as the older my baby gets and the more children I have, the more I will give. It is hard. Very rarely do I find myself doing the things that I would like, want, or need to do. And you know what, I am okay with that. I have realized that as a mother, I need to accept these things. Since I have come to terms with this, I felt a new-found confidence in my calling as a mother. I am loosing myself in the joys of motherhood so that my little guy can find himself. Loosing myself, so I can raise an independent person who can go out confident in the world and be successful. That, right there, is the ultimate blessing of being a great mother.
