Up until recently, having children scared me. The thought of raising an child to hopefully one day become an independent adult was a real, scary thought. However, since finding out that this little he/she/it (say that really fast) is in my stomach, I have realized that it is a privilege to rear a child. I also keep thinking how neat it is that Heavenly Father entrusts the husband and I to teach this child correct principles, values, and to nourish them physically and spiritually. It makes me feel indebted to God that he trusts me to be a mother.
Though at the same time, I keep wondering why I signed up to be a female in heaven. I thought pregnancy would be an absolute joy, but it's not. What husband and I have learned is that the first trimester, and perhaps the whole pregnancy, is the worst in the history of EVER. I have never been so sick in my life. I have been throwing up constantly. From IV's to Anti-Nausea medicine, everyone keeps telling me that it will all be worth it in the end once they place the little nugget in your arms. I just keep telling them (secretly, in my head of course) to shut up!! I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.
I find myself getting frustrated. I tend to think that tomorrow I'll feel better. Tomorrow comes and I feel just as sick. My mother-in-law never got sick when she was pregnant and I look at her and wish I could say the same one day, "I loved being pregnant." Throughout this, I have gained a greater appreciation for my own mother. How did she get through her pregnancies, being so sick, especially when there were other kids around. I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T EVEN GET THROUGH THIS ONE! So, mom, you amaze me.
I puke. I feel so tired. My breasts hurt. I pee all the time. Acne is out of control. I cry over nothing. I am having really bad sciatic pain. I feel like I have permanent bruising on my arm from getting IV's. I'm so abnormally tired. I have gross tasting saliva in my mouth. I crave the strangest things…fish tacos…and then next thing I know, they are regurgitating out of my mouth. Talk about a bad taste! There have been so many days where I have just hung out in the bathroom with my blanket, right next to the toilet.
And ohhh, my poor husband. He has been the dishwasher, the laundry doer, the clothes folder, the bathroom cleaner. He does the grocery shopping and never fails to get the 12 pack of sprite each week that I desperately need. I feel that I can't contribute to anything because I can't really do anything. Pregnancy is over taking my life! I then start to feel down about myself and find that getting depressed is easy as ABC and 1-2-3.
The only thing I can contribute is attempting to take my progesterone, folic acid, and gigantic pre-natal pills every night. Darkness comes and there my sweet hubby is, coaching me through, trying to distract me, so I don't throw the pills back up. It's like running an emotional marathon every night. There have been numerous occasions where I just sit and cry to the husband because I think, "I CAN NOT DO THIS. I DON'T WANT TO BE PREGNANT. WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO SICK? STOP MAKING ME SICK CHILD!!" The hubs just listens and rubs my back. But then, I have the thought, "I wouldn't have given you a child if I thought you couldn't handle this." So, then I feel somewhat comforted that I will get through this someway, somehow. But it's hard.
From all the women I have talked to, some women experience only part of these symptoms. Others experience none. And the lucky ones, such as myself, just get them all. Anyways, while I experience this trauma, I often find myself pleading with God to let me have a good, healthy baby and an easy delivery. Since my whole spine is fused, I can't get an epidural. This means, I have no choice but to give birth naturally. "Dear God, please make up for my pregnancy sickness (and my fused back) and let my delivery be easy!! Oh please, oh please!!"
Well, if you have any suggestions to help reduce some of my pain and sickness, please let me or the husband know. Let me rephrase that, let us know AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Thanks! Even though there are lots of things that I have not liked about being pregnant, the most important thing is that we are truly excited to have a baby.
(I guess I should mention there are a few positive things about pregnancy. My nails are growing really fast. My hair is a bit thicker. Seeing the baby on the ultrasound and listening to the heartbeat was surreal. However, so far, the cons outweigh the pros and my opinion of pregnancy is very negative.)
